I understand why you refuse to be sober now
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
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The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
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alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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