My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I fill condoms, not promises.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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