She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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