If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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