it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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