Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
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Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
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Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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