so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Can Purell be used as lube?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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