Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
