I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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