there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
