A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
