did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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