yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
