I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
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Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
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So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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