Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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