So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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