He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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