I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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