she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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