They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
