i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
