I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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