1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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