for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
