It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
