they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
