I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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