four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
