I wish you could order shots online.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
