I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
