A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
