Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
