So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
