His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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