Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
