Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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