I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
