I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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