Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
