tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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