If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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