brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
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Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
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I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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