I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
