I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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