Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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