Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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