Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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