Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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