So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
