On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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