dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
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