mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
