We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
