turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Drake has all the answers
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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