having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
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GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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