I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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