I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
